wake up

There's a couple arguing in the courtyard of my apartment building. I can hear them shouting at each other. Well, mostly I can hear the guy shouting.

"Why are you hitting people?" he asked her.
"Shut the fuck up, I'm not even talking to you right now." She is audibly very, very drunk.
"I'm just trying to figure out what's going on. Why are you upset?"
"I fucking hate...*unintelligible*" A door slams. Twice. More yelling. Words vs. slurred gibberish. A glass breaks.

Trying to have an argument or worse, a logical, rational conversation with a wasted person is one of the most infuriating things of all time. It often leads to the other party drinking more to compensate. Because sometimes it is easier to just get on their level than to deal with them.

This argument goes on for about a half hour. I never could discern exactly what they were arguing about, but I don't really have to. Chances are, it's an argument over nothing that happens to people who care about each other, but who wreck themselves with booze. I haven't talked much about that lately, because frankly, I just got bored of rehashing all the same shit I was going through over and over.  I had some really, really terrible things happen to me last summer that I will probably talk about here at some point, but not now. It finally occurred to me after going through the events of the last year that almost every negative thing that has ever happened to me or someone I love was at least indirectly, if not absolutely, caused by alcohol or drugs.

2 1/2 years.  That's how long it took me to fully wake up.  During this time, I had long periods of quitting drinking where I worked on making a new life for myself without alcohol.  I started by quitting drinking for days, then weeks, then months at a time, getting really comfortable and rational and healthy, and learning that not only do you not need to drink to have fun, EVERYTHING is better when you don't drink.  And then inevitably convincing myself that alcohol wasn't the problem.   I would always start to feel overwhelmed with the emotions that had long been buried by my drinking.  The self-hatred, the shame, guilt, loneliness and pain would paralyze me.  I would experience pain I had drugged out of myself years before. And I would ache and hurt for my father and for what might happen to him.  And I would feel these things all at once.  I would enter into the deep isolation that comes with relearning how to be sober, and my addictive voice would convince me that allowing alcohol back into my body and my life for a night or a week or a few weeks would be manageable this time. That I had starting working out and eating well and taking care of myself, so it wouldn't hurt anymore.   So I would drink. And it would hurt.  And again I would stop.  And each time I learned once more that alcohol is like suicide for me.

I write this now because of the fight going on outside. And because of a person I don't even know dying recently of an overdose. And because I have friends who I see struggling with alcohol and food and self-esteem and anger and I don't know how else to help them. And because I can write it from the other side. Where the grass is so much greener.

The truth is, if I had known on the first day I started my journey to wake up that I would have to go through the amount of shit that I have, that it would take me four tries to get sober, that I would have to learn everything the hard way, that nothing would ever be easy, that I would have to learn this and go through the worst periods of my life in the middle of it, I would probably still be dead asleep. Or maybe just dead.

Anyone can have the life that they deserve.  A life free of the prison of depression and pain caused by addiction.  A life full of fun and joy and health and friendship and love. A life where you wake up in the morning and you are so glad to be alive.  Anyone can have that.  I am not in AA.  I don't believe that there is only one way to stop drinking or using if that's what you want to do. I don't go to meetings or have any rules or steps or dogma that I cling to, or judgements about alcohol for other people. I go to happy hours and bars and dinners and hang out with lots of people who drink.  But I don't ever drink.  I don't believe that there is a stigma you have to carry if you choose to live sober.  For some people blacking out and drunk driving and destroying their health one drink at a time is still permissible behavior.  I get that. It was for me for a really long time.  I don't feel like I am preachy about my not drinking, but I am very willing to share with people who want to know. You have to figure out for yourself what kind of life you want to have. What you will accept from yourself.  What you deserve.  A lot of times, you don't know how bad you really felt until you start to feel really good.

I only know what is true for me, and what works for me. I know that I am better than getting hammered and spending all my money on booze and crap food.  I know I am better than smoking cigarettes.  I know I am worth being fit and sexy and attractive and creative. I see a therapist about once a week or so.  I am totally honest with him about everything.  I workout five or six times a week. I eat quality food and sleep well and surround myself with positive people who care about me and who are also interested in being kind to themselves. I am not ever going to "get there," or be done with this. I will work on myself everyday for the rest of my life. And that is what makes me able to keep going. There will never be another Day One for me. The hard part is over, the rest is just gravy. I will be the perpetual tortoise. Slow and steady wins the race.  Just Keep Going.

I rarely even think about drinking, and when I do, it is mostly in situations like this, where I see someone in a state of pain and it makes me feel both sadness for them, but also regret for all the time I wasted in that state.  And then, in the context of gratitude.  I am so thankful I got out alive and still young and healthy and vibrant. I am so thankful that I am not the girl screaming at her boyfriend in the alcove outside. I am so grateful for my sober mornings and lucid evenings.  I'm so grateful for every task I do and word I speak with a deliberate, sober, present mind. Above all, I treat myself with compassion. And in that frame of mind, it is impossible for me to ever want to get drunk or hurt myself with alcohol ever again. I was not ever very sure of that part all the times before, but now, I fully believe that I am done with drinking forever. I love my life. I believe in myself, because I have seen my astounding ability to change my mind and body and heart for the better.  And I want to let anyone know who struggles with these demons, that you are not alone. I am here to talk, anytime. No judgement, no matter what.  Anyone can wake up if they want to. Anyone. Even you.