Wednesday, September 11, 2013

remember who you are and go be that

Remember the time when you thought you could do anything? When you thought you knew who and what you wanted to be? Remember when you felt inspired? Alive? When was the last time? When did we forget? When did we accept we couldn't do the thing we want most? We did we give up?

I've been censoring myself on this blog. I won't write about politics because I'm afraid someone might read it and see that I said that I'm angry and sad that I live in a state that doesn't value women or trust us to make our own healthcare choices. That I believe that abortion should be safe, fully accessible and without apology. I'm afraid that they might find out I have tattoos and used to drink a lot a long time ago and this might make them not want to give me a job someday. They might not like that I use colorful language and talk a lot of shit because that's just how I write this blog.  I've been stifling my writing, and dancing around the topics I really want to talk about, because I'm afraid I might offend someone sitting in an office with my resume in front of them, someone who has Googled me, and that maybe they might not want to give me a chance. I don't write about my current job, which would be pretty ridiculous, hilarious and awesome (in the vein of because I'd like to keep that job until I find another one. I've worried the wrong person might read this blog. They might read this blog and think they know me.

Well, I'm here to say... Fuck that noise. No one reads this flipping blog. And I just don't care to work for anyone who thinks the Penis Hand Tattoo story is not a work of art. If you read this blog and you don't think I'm totally amazing, then you're an idiot. Sorry. That's how we're playing it now.

It's no fun to try to write posts about bullshit like online dating or whatever other fluffy, vague crap I've been posting about (Oh my god, I would rather gouge out both my eyes with a No. 2 pencil than go on another online date just so I can have something to write about. Seriously you guys, I mean it. OKCupid can suck a dick in hell.) But I know that I want to keep writing, and keep sharing with you, and to just keep going. And I have to be able to talk about what's going on in my life or what's the point? Right? I just want to be able to come here and say stuff without having to have a big master plan or some kind of secret code that you have to decipher.

So, what's going on is, I've ruled out selling everything I own and moving to Brazil to teach English. But that was seriously considered. I'm not quite ready to leave the comforts of home behind, even for a year, to go live on the beach somewhere. Frankly, I like my bed too much. I'm interested in downsizing and sacrificing certain aspects of my life to live in a different place, but that bed, it stays with me. I'm super serious about luxurious bedding.

What is happening: I made a promise to myself in June that I would give myself a year to find either a job or a person to keep me in Austin. I wanted to make sure that any job I took would be one that I could commit to for a minimum of a year, preferably two to three. I'm serious about my commitments to the people I work for, and I would never agree to take a job if I thought I would be leaving in a few months. I've been hitting it hard for months now. And here it is September, and still I haven't found that next opportunity. I'm not dating on purpose, because I don't want an excuse to stay. I'm starting to realize that the reason I can't find the next thing is because it's just not here. My life, my future, is not going to happen here. It's scary to admit that. But it's true. I know it. I've known it for a while. It's going to be time to go soon.

So the truth is, I'm not sure what this blog is about anymore, because I'm trying to understand what I'm about. That's the exquisite tragedy of solving all your life problems. Then you have to actually confront what you're capable of and go do it. The only thing I know for sure is that I am only capable of being fully myself, expressing myself, and being confident in who that person is. I hope you'll stick around. I promise there will be jams.


thatsagirlscar said...

"That's the exquisite tragedy of solving all your life problems. Then you have to actually confront what you're capable of and go do it."


Hoping you get to where you want to be soon. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you get there. <3

Kyla Estoya said...

Inspiring. :))

Kyla Estoya said...

Inspiring :))