Penny in the air.
I've known for a long time that you can make your own future, your own best life. In the long term, when you look at big goals, making real, permanent life changes that will result in becoming your best self - it seems rather impossible. We are designed for instant gratification, for filling the void, for ignoring the present. We live in the past and hope for a different future. We avoid conflict, confrontation and change. Because usually, when we stop to examine ourselves, we find we don't like what we've become in some way.
Five years ago, I was lost. Broken. I was so far off the path of my life, I couldn't even see it anymore. I tried to change my life and I failed. Over and over and over again. Finally, I surrendered to the wisdom of my inner self. I gave in to compassion. I stopped talking and started listening. I took one step, then another. I just kept breaking things down, taking them apart, and making life small. Tiny. I wanted to live inside each day and just do the right thing for myself in the present moment as often as possible. Some days, all I could do was treat myself with compassion. Others, I failed at even doing that. It was hard. I thought about words like integrity, respect, character, reliability, trust, love. I wanted to be a person other people can count on.
I filled the pages of my life with an honest, deliberate examination of the person I was, and a plan to become the person I knew I could be began to form. I learned that I am so much better at having fun and being myself sober than I ever was drinking. I did the thing I thought I could not do. My body changed. I got healthy. I went places. I made friends. I went on a lot of dates. I cried. I found a new job. I paid off my debt.
I realized I was, I am, right now, so incredibly happy with my life. I rolled into December feeling like 2014 was going to give me some big chances, and I decided in advance that I would Say Yes. I decided to go on an adventure.
And yet. And yet. There was still that one thing missing. I think it's pretty natural for most people to want to share their lives with a partner. I'm kind of a hopeless romantic, so for me to just write off that part of my life was a bit sad. It was lonely and I kind of thought I would never find anyone else on the planet who actually gets me. I thought that maybe I had already had my chance at that life, and maybe it was gone. I had myself after all, which is pretty fucking awesome. I would have lived probably.
Two weeks ago, I turned my online dating profile back on. I just clicked a button and waited to see what would happen. I can't even believe I am saying this, but I take back every negative thing I ever said about OKCupid. In fact, I should send them some money right now. Or a cake. A massive cake and maybe some of those fancy salted oat cookies from Quacks. Because that's where I met the most amazing man ever to share a Nutella cookie with anyone in the history of the world.
You heard me. The Magical Duplex Dream LIVES.
Yes, it's been exactly six days since we met. I'm writing about him because I can't not write about him. Because I've been hit by a freight train. Because it's always been him. It was always going to be. How can I be so sure? Because I know exactly who I am. Because he knows who he is. Because this doesn't happen. This synchronicity and congruence and electricity. This long now. Because I've been standing on the edge, waiting for him. And just like that, he found me, and everything is different forever. We found each other. It's effortless and easy and everything is lovely and amazing. Fireworks and magic and music. The whole world is singing the song of us. I am the most annoying person on the planet and I TOTALLY DON'T CARE.
So yeah. I have a boyfriend. Try not to lose your goddamn minds.